U.S. — What was expected to be a close Presidential election is now projected to be a 50-state landslide for Trump after the former president showed up to a rally in a squirrel costume.
Honoring the late squirrel "Peanut," Trump delivered his entire stump speech in the costume, clips of which spread across social media like wildfire. Within hours, polls showed a historic swing, with millions of voters switching their allegiance to Trump.
"They're after you — me and Peanut are just standing in their way," said Trump. "That is why today, I am calling for a day of mourning for Peanut. Let all MAGA flags be flown at half-mast today in his memory. On Tuesday, we're going to do this for Peanut, we're going to restore justice to this country, and make America great again not just for humans, but for all woodland creatures."
Thousands of Americans dressed in squirrel costumes began showing up at polling stations, eager to save America on behalf of Peanut. "How would I explain to my children that I could have stood up for Peanut, but didn't," said local man Dennis Hamilton, waiting outside a polling station. "We've got a country to save."
At publishing time, Nate Silver had committed seppuku after seeing his entire prediction model rendered irrelevant by a squirrel.
Here's what RFK Jr. will do to get everyone back in shape!