NEW YORK, NY — New York Governor Kathy Hochul recently informed New York Republicans that they're not welcome in her state. But lo, a chosen one of burnt papaya hue, Donald Trump, approached her and demanded that she let his people go. The Republicans' punishments then worsened, with Hochul ordering that they have to make bricks without any straw and severely increasing their tax burdens.
Hochul refused to bow to any of the plagues Trump called down upon her, until he said every baby would be born in her state and could not be killed legally any longer. This she could not bear and released the Republicans to go to the Promised Land of Florida.
Trump led millions of tax-paying Republicans from the state to the shores of the Hudson. There are faster routes to go, but Trump was using Apple Maps.
But alas! Governor Hochul changed her tune and hardened her heart and pursued Trump and his faithful followers with IRS agents, state troopers, and NYPD cops who threatened to beat them to a pulp. At the last possible moment, Trump humbly bowed his head and prayed, "O God in heaven! Please allow me to perform the most tremendous miracle of all time, that men may praise my name forever and say, 'That Trump did such good miracles; everyone says so!'" At these words, the waters of the Hudson parted, and Trump led his people across on dry land, while all the armies of the governor were swallowed up, and cried a great cry, and the people did rejoice, and there was feasting on fattened calfs, gorilla meat, and McDonald's.
Sadly, they were fated to wander for 40 years in Jersey.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
