WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of an initiative to obtain a more accurate count of the nation's population, President Donald Trump ordered U.S. census takers not to count anyone wearing a sombrero.
After decades of suspicion that population figures were inaccurate due to the inclusion of illegal aliens, Trump directed the Census Bureau to leave anyone wearing large, traditional Mexican headwear out of their tabulation.
"It's a dead giveaway," Trump told reporters after issuing the order. "Makes them easy to spot, to tell you the truth. I don't know why they wear those giant hats. They say it's to block the sun, but I don't know. I always thought it was because they could hold tacos in the brim of the hat there. Tacos are great, aren't they, folks? We love tacos. Crunchy or soft, they're tremendous. But the tacos have to be brought into the country legally. That's very important for our country."
According to sources within the U.S. Census Bureau, President Trump's new order was a revolutionary change to its policy. "We're surprised we never thought of it before, honestly," one census taker said. "We never noticed how easy it was to spot illegal aliens among the general American population until he pointed out the sombreros. It's going to make it so much easier for us to get a more accurate count."
At publishing time, Trump had issued an additional order for census takers to be especially careful when counting the number of U.S. citizens in Home Depot parking lots.
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