U.S. — The entire world was still abuzz this morning following the results of the U.S. presidential election, as President-Elect Donald Trump defeated Kamala Harris, Hollywood, the news media, the Deep State, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, universities across the country, the Department of Justice, political experts, science, the medical community, and all of Diddy's homies.
The upset sent shockwaves throughout the political sphere, with analysts struggling to explain how Trump managed to win against every facet of government, academia, corporate America, entertainment, and Sean Combs's nefarious cadre of associates.
"He overcame what seemed to be impossible odds," one analyst said. "There may be other candidates who could have conceivably beaten Kamala Harris, some segments of the media, and a few celebrity endorsements, but this is insane. Trump essentially defeated the entire world — plus Diddy's minions.
Experts agreed that Trump's victory over the growing legion of Diddy associates was his most impressive feat. "Anyone can win a political race," another analyst said. "But overcoming Eminem and Cardi B? That's crazy talk. Oprah, J-Lo, Beyoncé… they all came out of the woodwork to take out Trump, and they failed. There is mounting evidence that he really is some kind of superhero."
Sources tied to the Harris-Walz campaign said the entire establishment machine set up to beat Trump was now left broken and despondent after being unable to harm him. "At least he can't run again," one insider said. "And honestly, we're glad, because we're really tired of losing to him."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
