WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump made a surprise announcement this week that he was outsourcing the United States Space Force operations to India and moving its headquarters to Kolkata.
"It's time to truly put America first and outsource everything to India to save some money," Trump said. "Space Force has a lot of computers, and who better to handle that than a bunch of Indians? They know their stuff."
Trump explained that every time he calls tech support for his computer, it's always an Indian who helps him. "I'm always getting these pop-ups. You know what I mean? Pop-ups. They pop up all over the screen and try to sell me all sorts of things. The worst things. So I call the Indians, and they always help me out. There's no one I would trust more with putting armed starship troopers on the moon, believe me."
He continued, "They're not the greatest at speaking English, so I'd never let them come here, but they sure do speak computer."
National security officials reportedly warned the president that outsourcing a branch of the armed forces was a bad idea, but when he called the Pentagon seeking advice, his call was outsourced to India, and someone named Ravi said it was a great idea.
At publishing time, President Trump had contacted Space Force to work out a plan for some sort of GoldenEye satellite, like in the movies, and had been placed on hold.
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