WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump administration struck another blow in the war against DEI initiatives by ordering the removal of all black pieces from chess sets across the country.
According to sources in the White House, Trump took aim at the black pieces in chess sets because they consistently fail to meet basic competency standards for chess pieces and have also cost him over 400 rating points while playing online bullet chess.
"They're terrible, just deplorable, folks," Trump told reporters. "Have you ever tried to counter the Queen's Gambit with an augmented London System as black? No? Neither did Bobby Fischer, because he never played black. And that's another thing — these pieces always fall behind...they're a move behind every other piece in the set. Absolutely failing. These are clearly DEI hires and we need to fire them as soon as possible."
The decision has been criticized as "harsh," "fascist," and "out-of-touch" by several prominent chess players, including Elon Musk's 5-year-old son Ø-V73- KRI, who sports a respectable 2400 rating on multiple chess websites.
"The black queen more mobile and effective than nearly all of her white opposition," reads a statement from the World Chess Federation. "We strongly oppose Trump's racist and problematic ban and urge our members to advocate the immediate return of black pieces to all chess sets everywhere."
At publishing time, the black chess pieces had been replaced by high-achieving yellow pieces.
The Founding Fathers didn't always agree behind closed doors.
