WASHINGTON, D.C. — The new Trump administration started off with a bang, as a Tommy gun-wielding Melania Trump was seen patrolling the streets of the nation's capital and running Democrats out of town.
Witnesses reported seeing the first lady walking through Washington, D.C. streets in a sharp gangster suit and informing all Democrats that they must "scram" and get out of the city if they knew what was good for them.
"There's no room in this berg for you two-bit rats, see?" Melania was heard shouting as Democrats scrambled for cover from her machine gun fire. "Youse all got til midnight tonight to pack up and go on the lam, or you'll be wakin' up to a lead breakfast, ya got it?"
Prominent Democrats like Chuck Schumer, Elizabeth Warren, and Anthony Fauci were seen running for their lives as Mrs. Trump unleashed periodic bursts of gunfire. "Jeepers! It's Melania! We better make ourselves scarce!" Fauci reportedly said as he sought cover. "If that pesky broad gets the collar on me, it'll be curtains!"
Sources within the Democratic Party revealed that many of its members were looking to leave town to avoid running afoul of the menacing first lady. "That dame's got a screw loose," one insider said. "With her walking the beat in D.C., we're all gonna end up full of holes or wearing concrete loafers. We better split!"
At publishing time, Melania had reportedly been appointed by President Trump to lead the newly created Department of Hunting Down No-Good Mooks.
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