TAMPA, FL - After an epic 26-year career in football, quarterback Tom Brady has finally announced his retirement, forever abandoning his quest to be as good at football as Tim Tebow.
Tebow, whose NFL career was unmatched by any athlete in heaven or on earth, will remain unchallenged as the greatest, most majestic, and most talented Christian football player to ever live.
"I tried, I really did," said Brady. "But Tim Tebow was too talented, too powerful, too pure for even me. My athletic grace and ageless body will never match the way Tebow just awkwardly chucked the ball down the field like an ape with Tourettes and still somehow made completions as if God was on his side. As it turns out, God was on his side. I give up."
According to sources, Brady will follow in Tim Tebow's footsteps in an attempt to be the greatest Minor League baseball player in history.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.