WILMINGTON, DE—Presidential candidate Joe Biden has been leading President Trump in most polls, but now the race has started to tighten in a few key states, such as Florida. This has caused the Biden campaign to take extra precautions, moving Biden from the basement into a farther down sub-basement.
“Our defensive strategy has worked so far, so we think it’s time to double-down,” explained Biden campaign manager Jennifer O'Malley Dillon. “Our job is to keep Biden safe and unseen until he naps his way to an electoral victory, but a regular basement just wasn’t cutting it anymore.”
The decision to move Biden came after he had a few public gaffes over Zoom and almost choked on a ping pong ball from the ping pong table in the basement. The new sub-basement Biden will be staying in is so far down that it can’t get a cell signal and doesn’t even have internet, further limiting his exposure. There are also fewer things down there that he can get in trouble with, as all the sub-basement has are a cot and a TV with integrated VCR, on which he can watch some shows.
Preparations are being made to further this strategy, with an underwater base being built in an undisclosed trench in the Atlantic Ocean, which Biden will be moved to in October. This is quite different from the campaign strategy of President Trump, who spends most of his time standing on the roof of the White House shouting at everyone who walks by.