SAN FRANCISCO, CA — With California adopting a new system to check if LGBTQ+ labeled businesses are really gay, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz showed up uninvited at the offices of the California Public Utilities Commission volunteering to personally inspect every California to see if the owners are gay enough.
The new gay business certification has attracted a lot of attention across the nation, but particularly from Governor Walz.
"I will personally inspect every single businessman applying for this certificate to see how gay they really are," Walz said. "Not the women — because I believe all women — but the men must be thoroughly investigated."
Critics of the certificate have warned not only of the obvious preferential treatment this gives LGBT businesses under the law when pursuing government and corporate contracts, but also that there is a high likelihood of fraud. Enter Governor Walz.
"I have a very sensitive gaydar. I know all the right tests for gayness," Walz explained. "Who knows if perhaps I have gay instincts for such a time as this?"
Political pundits are reportedly concerned Walz's involvement could hinder rather than help the cause, however, given his state's reputation for massive fraud. "What are we even doing in this state anymore?" asked state legislator Shannon Grove, one of only ten Republicans serving in the state senate.
At publishing time, Tim Walz had applied for his own LGBTBE certificate on behalf of the government of Minnesota.
After a slight mixup, Steve, Timpani, and Britunni end up at the Alamo instead of the Alamo Car Rental. Protestors block their way out and Timpani is going into labor!
