FORT LAUDERDALE, FL — What had been a difficult week for Tiger Woods took a positive turn on Tuesday, as the pro golf legend was awarded an honorary California commercial driver's license.
California officials awarded Woods the CDL after they noted that he possesses all the qualities they require in commercial drivers, like his consistent ability to drive a car off the road and into nearby ditches.
"He's got everything we look for in a commercial truck driver," California DMV spokesperson Mark Brandon told reporters. "We don't hand them out to just anyone. When we read the news about Tiger Woods's latest traffic mishap, we knew he would be the perfect candidate to receive an honorary CDL. If he was from Pakistan, he would've checked all the boxes."
California made news in recent months after reports surfaced about how the state gave out thousands of commercial licenses to illegal immigrants and other "underqualified" drivers, but after seeing reports of Tiger Woods' latest car accident, state officials rushed to give him one of their most privileged licenses.
"We think he fits the bill perfectly," Brandon said. "He's bold, brash, and has all the driving prowess of a drunk honey badger — perfect for a California CDL holder. We're excited to present him with this honorary CDL next month at a ceremony, and hope he can find a way to get to California that doesn't involve him having to drive."
At publishing time, California also announced that it would be awarding a CDL to your 95-year-old blind grandmother.
Do you think you can guess which one is the terrorist?
