WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, Representative Thomas Massie of Kentucky will be holding his own State of the Union Address from a street corner outside a local T.J. Maxx.
"Both the Republicans and the Democrats have sold out to the shadowy cabal that runs the world," said Massie gravely. "That's why it has fallen on me to give the true State of the Union outside T.J. Maxx on the corner of 13th and F Street tonight at 11. You will get the truth about the national debt, immigration, and the elites who control it all with their magic devil powers they get from drinking blood."
According to witnesses, the street corner is already abuzz with at least 2 dozen devoted fans waiting to hear the speech.
"Whoa, I'm voting for this guy," said Arnold Johnson, a clearly impressed T.J. Maxx employee. "Is he a street preacher or something?"
"Is this the line for Dutch Brothers?" said coffee lover Henry Woodward.
At publishing time, President Trump called Thomas Massie out during his own SOTU speech, calling him "one of the worst Massies I've ever seen, maybe ever."
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