PALM BEACH, FL — The day after scoring a sweeping win to retake the White House, President-Elect Donald Trump stunned the American people and proved true what so many had tried to warn about by sporting a new mustache for his victory speech.
The facial hairstyle, which evoked comparisons to a prominent European leader from the 1930s as well as silent film star Charlie Chaplin, was a drastic change from the traditionally clean-shaven Trump -- a clear indication that America should expect the worst.
"Don't say we didn't warn you about this," said one despondent journalist. "We've been telling everyone for the last decade that this guy was literally Hitler. Did anyone listen? No! Now look at him. You see that little mustache? He means business. I suggest we all accept reality and start packing for our trips to the concentration camps. Goodbye, America. Hello, Hitler Part 2."
Previous Trump supporters hid their faces in shame, incredulous that they were fooled by such an obvious Hitler. "What fools we were," said former Trump fan Dan Kiniry. "Just look at that mustache. Everyone told me he was Hitler, but I was so sure he wasn't. This is so, so embarrassing."
At publishing time, Trump's campaign had also unveiled new red armbands to be worn by all of his supporters.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
