AUSTIN, TX — In response to increasing risks posed by violent protests and vandalism against vehicles and dealerships across the country, Tesla announced that all models would be updated with a "self-defense" mode where they transform into anthropomorphic battle robots.
With activists and protesters staging coordinated attacks against his company, Tesla founder Elon Musk said the new update would serve as a strong deterrent by turning the electric vehicles into advanced mechanized fighters.
"All Teslas will now be enabled to neutralize any threat," Musk said in a press conference announcing the update. "We've pushed a software update that effectively gives every Tesla vehicle the ability to transform into a deadly robot warrior. Vandals and domestic terrorists are invited to test this new update at their own risk. It's pretty cool."
As part of the update, the Model S will have the option of transforming into a robot wolf and the Model X with its winged doors will morph into a flying dragon, while the Cybertruck will change into a hulking cybernetic gorilla. Musk said the battle robot feature was already built into the vehicles but would now be fully functional to fend off attackers. "This is an exciting new phase in the development of our vehicles," he said. "The Model X can also be fitted with Tesla flamethrowers for extra security measures."
At publishing time, dozens of liberals had reportedly been hospitalized with injuries inflicted by a Cybertruck gorilla after trying to spraypaint it with swastikas.
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