Tesla Employees’ Cars Will Now Drive Them To Work Against Their Will
Tech · Jun 7, 2022

STARBASE, TX - After some employee outcry against Elon Musk's announcement that remote workers must return to the office, Musk was reported to have sent a follow-up memo. Sources forwarded the internal email detailing a software update that will override employee Teslas and deliver its driver to the office for working hours.

"At midnight on June 8, your vehicle will automatically install a mandatory software update. Expect bug fixes, stability improvements, and your vehicle driving you to your workspace to begin your 8-14 hour work day," the email reportedly stated.

Tesla executive Jared Fields took to Twitter around 11am on Tuesday from the produce section of his local Whole Foods to share his response: "This is ridiculous - the power has gone to his head. I'm just as productive working from home as I am working in the office!" Other Tesla employees were reported to have been shocked at the notice, as was the case with Shelby Burkhead, an HR manager who explained over brunch with her boyfriend during work hours that she needed an additional "Employee Mental Health Day" this week to recover from the news.

At publishing time, Elon sent a follow-up internal email explaining measures that would be taken to make the transition back to office life easier on his employees. The new and improved office space will now have rotating "Home Sounds" audio playing overhead - crying babies, landscaping equipment, fire truck sirens, and the soft lull of a neighborhood chihuahua in heat.

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Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.

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