VIRGINIA - Terry McAuliffe said he's completely confused that telling parents the state owns their children, that parents have no say over what their kids learn in school, and that repulsively disgusting pornographic books are good for kids didn't prove to be electorally popular.
"It's so weird," a crestfallen McAuliffe told reporters. "We pulled out all the stops: we told parents that we own their children's minds, that they're wards of the state, and that their children should read horrific LGBTQ+ pornography in their school libraries, and it just didn't seem to connect with the people for some reason."
McAuliffe also performed a somber rendition of the San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus classic song "We're Coming for Your Children" at his defeat party. "I know we've suffered a loss here, but rest assured," he said. "We are coming for your children sooner or later. This idea's time will come sooner or later. Hopefully sooner."
At publishing time, Democrats had vowed to learn no lessons from this defeat and lean harder into their demands to steal your children from you.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
