WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Supreme Court has ruled that putting Halloween costumes on your pets constitutes cruel and unusual punishment, thus violating the Eighth Amendment.
The 9-0 decision united a typically divided court.
"The shame and humiliation of making a bulldog wear a tutu or putting a grumpy cat into an Elvis costume are well outside the bounds of humane treatment of our furry friends," wrote Justice Kavanaugh in the decision. "It's obvious that the founders would have included putting a tiara on your chihuahua in their definition of tortuous crimes against the guilty, or in this case, innocent."
Historical evidence indicates that in the 18th century, early American colonists hanged those who put costumes on their horses, dogs, and chickens, so the move has some precedent in American history.
"Also, I like beer. I've always liked beer. I still drink beer," Kavanaugh's opinion concluded. It wasn't clear what this had to do with the decision, but the majority of Americans praised Kavanaugh's comments on both pet costumes and beer anyway.
Americans were almost unanimous in their support for the decision, except for a few weirdos who say they're going to make their pets dress up as hot dogs, baby sharks, and dinosaurs anyway because it's "cute."