ANN ARBOR, MI — A surprising new study reveals over three million millennial-age women die every day from dehydration linked to not owning a Stanley water bottle tumbler.
"This number is tragic but not surprising," Lead Researcher Joel Rosenberg told reporters. "Everyone knows that without at least 2 or 3 Stanley tumblers, these millennial women will not get the minimum of 38 gallons of water per day required for them to survive. These 3 million deaths could have been avoided had all of these women owned a Stanley tumbler."
The data show many millennial women own inferior water bottle brands that just can't keep them properly hydrated. The Stanley bottle has risen in popularity over the past few years, especially among white, suburban moms who have Instagram accounts and pretend to bake sourdough. Researchers believe additional dehydration deaths are preventable but women need to act quickly and prioritize heading out to their local Target, throwing a few punches, and stopping at nothing to acquire the latest special-edition Stanley tumbler before it's too late.
"We know these water bottles are a good $20, $30 over what other very similar bottles cost, but there seems to be a connection between women dying tragically of dehydration and not owning a Stanley, so we highly encourage every woman in the U.S. to run out and buy one today," Rosenberg said. "The risks are just too high."
As of publishing time, a reported two thousand additional women had died due to lack of Stanleys in just one day, while another ten thousand are thought to have died from exposure after not being able to find their favorite chapstick at the grocery store.
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