U.S. — A study published by the American Association for the Advancement of Science on Monday revealed that exactly 92% of a husband's time is spent waiting for his wife.
The husband/wife paradigm had long been speculated to be in the wife's favor, much to the dismissal of women worldwide. However, the new study appeared to show definitively that husbands spend almost the entirety of their lives doing nothing but waiting around for their wives.
"The human husband is a very fascinating subject," said Dr. Michael Masters, lead author of the study. "He waits all day long for his spouse, either because she is getting dressed, shopping, or complaining to her friends about how her husband does nothing. But the thing is, he seemingly does nothing because he is always waiting around for her. It's a complex paradox."
Dr. Margaret Horner, the lone woman who worked on the study, expressed how horrified she was to learn what she was likely putting her husband through. "Correlation does not always equal causation, meaning that even though husbands wait around, it doesn't mean their wives are necessarily the cause," she said. "However, as I continued to dig deeper into the research, I slowly realized I'd left my husband in the car days ago after telling him I'd be just a minute."
She added, soberly, "At this point, I hope he's still alive."
Dr. Masters expressed his wish that publication of the study would prove once and for all that wives should cut their men a little slack and maybe just pick out a blouse already, because who even cares. "It's just a blouse," he said. "You look fine."
At publishing time, a team of women scientists released their own study proving men could at least do something useful while they were waiting around, like take out the garbage.
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