BEACHVILLE, USA — According to newly released studies, everyone sitting on the beach around you really wants to hear that trash music you're playing so crank it up to an eleven and don't take those sideways glares and mean stares as anything but encouragement to fly your musical freak flag with pride.
"Oh yeah, that's some gosh-awful EDM," said one study respondent, Dan Marsh. "I love bringing my family to the majesty of God's creation and having gay party music blasting from the beach tent next to ours. Crank it up, don't take my ‘hey buddy, do you mind turning it down a bit' as a hint that I want you to turn it down...a bit."
Study participants say they particularly hate Lil Naz X and Cardi B so please turn that JBL Flip 5 Waterproof speaker up as high as you can get it and make sure everyone around you can bask in the glory of your terrible music choices.
"I love it when people look at me with angry side-eyes," Lance Baskin told organizers of one study. "There's nothing like blasting Megan Thee Stallion up so loud that the entire shoreline is forced to listen to her screeching voice and AI-generated backbeats. Ooooh yeeeah, everyone loves me!"
The studies concluded that Sam Smith, Lizzo, Regatón and Mexican Cumbia are people's least favorite types of music so be sure to fill up that playlist and come prepared for lots of disgruntled but secretly grateful fellow beachgoers. Don't take "Seriously man, my kids don't want to hear that rap song with the 50 f-words, please please PLEASE can you turn it down or even better turn it OFF" as a clue people don't like your music. You ROCK.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
