St. John Signs Lucrative Nike Endorsement After Beating St. Peter To Tomb

JUDEA — Saint John the Apostle has reportedly signed a lucrative six figure deal with Nike following his win against Saint Peter in a footrace to the tomb of Jesus.

Saint Peter has continually maintained that it was not a race, and that they were just excited to learn if Jesus had indeed risen. However, that hasn't put a stopper on Saint John's growing fame as a sprinter. Nike decided to strike while the iron is hot.

"We're proud to have signed John to an official endorsement deal," said Nike CEO Tiberius Calceus. "We're also excited to announce a collaboration with the apostle on the brand-new Nike Air John 1, the shoe for beloved winners. Run like John with a pair of Air John 1's today."

John's deal with Nike is reportedly the largest of its kind at approximately 2 million denarii. The brand-new "sneaker" is already set to beat earlier sales records set by the Adidas JB Thongs, a sandal inspired by John the Baptist. According to Nike, the Air John 1 "offers a comfortable fit designed by the apostle himself. It features an innovative rubber outsole for multi-surface traction to navigate tough terrain faster than ever."

At publishing time, Saint John had also signed on as a "Wheaties Champion" to appear on cereal boxes.

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