WASHINGTON, D.C. — A brief commotion arose on the White House lawn today, as a Secret Service agent could be heard shouting "Spit it out! Spit it out right this instant!" as he chased President Joe Biden out onto the grass. A source within the administration later confirmed that Biden had a AA battery in his mouth at the time of the incident.
"This has been a daily common problem over the last few years," said the source. "He's always just putting the most random things in his mouth. Batteries, rubber bands, paper clips…you name it. The frustrating thing is, we can't convince him to actually take bites of his lunch half the time, because he just wants to get up from the table and go play."
Tourists sightseeing near the White House at the time reported seeing Biden frantically shuffling away from the pursuing Secret Service agent, determined to not follow the orders to spit out the battery. "He looked like he was being very disobedient," said one onlooker. "I think I even heard the Secret Service agent tell him he wouldn't get his fruit snacks this afternoon."
An anonymous source within the White House later revealed Biden was ordered to sit in the "Time Out" chair in the corner of the Lincoln Bedroom before his wife, Jill, directed him to apologize to the Secret Service agent.
At publishing time, White House staff had been urgently called to the Oval Office after President Biden was found scribbling on the walls with a Sharpie.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
