PITTSBURGH, PA - In a rare campaign appearance outside of Delaware, presidential candidate Joe Biden very nearly gave the country exactly what it needed in a forceful speech denouncing all violins.
"Violins have no place in society," Biden said as, unseen to him, aides waved at him trying to get him to stop. "They're like a tiny guitar you rub a stick against. Why anyone would want such a thing is beyond me."
With riots and shootings in many major cities, this was quite close to addressing the issue on Americans' minds. And Biden delivered it with the force and conviction needed, if not quite the accuracy.
"I don't care if you call it a fiddle; it's still a violin, and it's wrong," Biden stated, as one of his staffers tried to unplug the microphone. "And you probably should stay away from cellos too, which is like a violin for giants."
In defiance of Biden's words, President Donald Trump was soon seen at the White House trying to play a violin, but it sounded horrible, and he quickly got mad and smashed it to pieces. In a rare bit of bipartisanship, Trump then admitted that Biden "may have a point."