U.S. - In a landmark ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court has determined that Biden's vaccine mandate for private businesses is unconstitutional. However, in a split decision, they also determined that healthcare workers are the only ones who should not be allowed to make decisions about their own health.
"Healthcare workers have no idea what they're talking about when it comes to important healthcare decisions. They aren't smart like us," said the group of judges that includes people like Sotomayor, in a ruling in favor of a Federal Government that includes people like Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. "The personal health choices of healthcare workers should be left to people more qualified, like us."
The decision was made based on the timeless legal principle that if the government pays for your healthcare, they own your body, mind, and soul for all eternity.
Citing this new victory, the Biden administration is looking into other things it can mandate for healthcare workers, such as abortions, sex changes, and maybe some warmer stethoscopes.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: