NINTH CIRCLE OF HELL — Satan was reportedly unsure which of his favorite baseball teams he should root for to win the 2024 World Series: the Los Angeles Dodgers or the New York Yankees.
"I love both teams so much!" he said while thinking about where to place his allegiance. "On the one hand, one team spits in the face of God by actively flaunting pride with its support of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. On the other hand, there's the Yankees. Both are such great options. I just can't choose!"
According to sources, the Dodgers were the clear favorites this year thanks in part to the incredible performance by star slugger Shohei Ohtani, but Satan had been a little discouraged in recent weeks that Ohtani was drawing too much attention away from all the gay drag queens the Dodgers love to showcase.
"Then again, I do love rooting for an underdog," Satan mused, finding it ironic to think that the mighty Yankees were the underdog this year. "At least I can take solace in the fact that, no matter which team comes out on top in the series, evil will win."
The Prince of Darkness reached out to his colleagues for guidance, but unfortunately for him, Hell was found to be populated almost exclusively by Yankee and Dodger fans, leaving the predictions evenly split.
At publishing time, Satan was reportedly dejected to learn that he could not watch the World Series through the MLB app without also being subscribed to a paid TV provider.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
