NEW YORK, NY — The College Board has discontinued the SAT, replacing the long-standing college admissions exam with a DNA test that traces your ancestral history and determines how oppressed you are.
The new method of college admissions will just figure out how oppressed or privileged you are and assign you an oppression score based on your racial background. Those with lots of marginalized ancestors will receive a high score, while those with evil, privileged ancestors will receive a low score. Prestigious schools such as Ivy League institutions will only consider applicants with an Oppression Score of 1500 or higher. Asian students start the test off with an automatic 500-point deduction, while white students are asked to leave the testing site immediately.
Students with oppression scores in the 1000-1200 range can probably get into a lame school for dumb people, while those under that might as well just go to community college.
For some elite schools, of course, this process is pretty much the same as what they're already doing, except that the institutions no longer have to pretend they're considering academic merit.
"This is going to be great for many students since they won't have to waste their time answering dumb math problems or doing obsolete things like 'reading' and 'writing,'" said a College Board spokesperson. "Now we can take a good look at you, swab your cheek, and then in 6-8 weeks we'll know if you're oppressed enough to go to college -- no studying required."
In addition, students who achieve low oppression/high privilege scores will be sent to an official College Board "Happy Fun Learning Center" for reeducation.