ATLANTA, GA — In a stunning move, media giant CNN has fired anchor Don Lemon. Executives at the network made the decision immediately after coming to the stark realization that Lemon was past his prime.
"He's just not what he used to be," said CNN Chairman and CEO Chris Licht. "When he started out here, he was all flash and charisma and good looks — everything, all rolled into one. But once talent reaches a certain age, you have to start thinking about the future. At this point, he's just a used-up, frumpy old buzzard who really shouldn't be on television."
Lemon's fall from grace had progressed quickly. After working his way up to host a prime-time nightly program that was not watched by many, he was later reassigned to co-host a morning show that was watched by no one before being fired altogether. CNN's viewer was shocked to hear the news. "I know I'm the only person still watching CNN, but this is still a surprise," said Wolf Blitzer's wife, Lynn Greenfield. "I always thought Don was a lovely young man. One of CNN's best gays, by far, there are a lot of candidates to choose from!"
Lemon was embroiled in controversy earlier this year after expressing an opinion that women in their 50s were no longer in their "prime." Analysts now believe this was an early indication of Lemon's diminishing skills. "He clearly lost it," said one CNN producer. "He's not that pretty face we met years ago."
At publishing time, Lemon was reportedly seen standing on a street corner holding a sign that read "Will stare soulfully into the camera and shed a single tear for food."
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