DENVER, CO — Local woman Shaylyn Bridger brought home three new houseplants this week, prompting her half-dead ferns to scream at them to get out while they still could.
"Run! Run for your lives! She never waters us, and she puts us in a window with inadequate lighting, and I'm a goner!" screamed the houseplant. "There's still time for you. Flee! Run!"
The new houseplant stayed put, however, as it was a houseplant and unable to flee.
Bridger placed several new plants around the inside of her house and was excited at the prospect of some new greenery, unaware of her woeful inability to properly take care of a plant.
"My plants look great! They're just a little droopy. Nothing a healthy dose of water can't fix. Oh no...this one just cracked and fell over. Are they supposed to do that?"
Sources say the suffering plants continued trying to encourage the new plants to flee, with no avail.
"Fly, you fools," the desperate ferns yelled.
At publishing time, Bridger could be seen perusing the garden section at Walmart, wondering which new victims to bring home next.
Meet Chuck, a Nazi with an identity crisis.
