U.S. — The upcoming Secretary of Health and Human Services has reportedly ballooned to a horrific 350 lbs after a single bite of McDonald's. Sources confirm Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. was bullied into taking a bite of the unhealthy food for a photo op aboard Trump Force One.
"I'm hideous!" RFK Jr. allegedly cried after he immediately swelled to a horrifyingly unnatural size. He tried to get up and hide himself but he was trapped in his airplane seat by thick folds of fat. "Look at me! I'm a monster! What have I done?"
RFK Jr. has since blamed the presence of Polysorbate 80 in the McDonald's Quarter Pounder for altering his body's DNA.
Sources say the incoming HHS secretary had initially attempted to resist eating the Quarter Pounder offered to him on Trump's plane, but was pressured by the other guys. Trump reportedly began chanting, "Eat it. Eat it. Join us, Bobby. It's the best food, I eat McDonald's every day, and look how handsome and thin I am. And smart. Just eat it, Bobby."
"Yeah," echoed Elon Musk. "We're all doing it. Don't you want to be cool?"
Trump, Jr. just sat in the corner, seemingly trying to think of something cool to say and coming up empty.
RFK Jr. relented and is now, according to doctors, morbidly obese and suffering from organ failure.
"No one will take me seriously now as Secretary of Health & Human Services," he lamented. "My life's work is ruined!"
At publishing time, RFK Jr. had suffered a stroke after accidentally being exposed to some red food dye.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
