MILWAUKEE, WI — Eight Republicans will take the debate stage tonight to help determine which lucky candidate will lose horribly to former President Donald Trump.

"It's a great opportunity," said the guy with glasses, who is apparently running for president. "I expect a fierce battle tonight over who gets to be absolutely slaughtered by Trump in the primary."

The former president has held a commanding lead in all polls to this point despite facing multiple federal indictments, which has voters asking the question of why so many candidates continue to remain in the race. "It is a great question," said a person calling himself Doug, who is apparently governor somewhere. "Do the rest of us have any chance? No. Are we all wasting vast amounts of money by doing this? Yes. Still, it gives me a slim chance of being the next Pete Buttigieg. I could sit at home in pajamas for the next four years and collect a fat paycheck while the country burns. That's the dream, man."

Former Arkansas Governor Asa Hutchinson, who was mistaken for an employee at the debate venue, agrees that the event is important. "No, really, I'm an actual politician," said Mr. Hutchinson. "I just want someone, somewhere to know how to pronounce my name. It's not one you would guess, okay? I need this."

At publishing time, Trump had announced he would be filling his cabinet with Mike Lindell clones and that all the losers at the debate were completely wasting their time.

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