AUSTIN, TX — Republicans are happily applauding gubernatorial candidate Beto O'Rourke as he continues to dig an enormous sinkhole for Democrats to dump their money into.
"It's becoming one of my favorite annual events," said Senator Ted Cruz. "The man literally takes hundreds of millions of dollars away from Democratic donors and chucks it into the abyss. Beto seriously might be the best player on our team."
Following O'Rourke's failed Senate candidacy and hilariously futile Presidential run, Democrats are still coming out in droves to throw their money into the void. "It's really inexplicable at this point," said O'Rourke's campaign manager Art Mullinax. "We will make it close, then inevitably lose. But not before we get some great profiles written about Beto being the second coming of JFK and blowing through a hundred million dollars from donors. Looks like we might need a bigger sinkhole!"
Sources from the campaign say that O'Rourke considered building a bonfire to burn the money, but opted for his usual sinkhole. "Tradition is tradition," said O'Rourke as he tossed a suitcase of money into the darkness. "You never know though, if Texas could just suffer a couple more horrific tragedies that I can exploit by being an enormous turd bucket - I might only lose by a couple points!"
At publishing time, Republicans were rejoicing to hear that Governor Newsom had bought TV ads in Texas and Florida in which he feeds money from Democratic donors directly into a shredder.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
