LITTLE CREEK, CA—In a scandalous new report coming out of First Lutheran Church, a source accused the pastor’s daughter, Hannah Patterson, of leveraging her family connections to land a coveted choir solo in last Sunday’s performance of “Jesus Loves the Little Children.”
The anonymous source suggested that the 6-year-old girl engaged in activities explicitly forbidden by the church’s bylaws, such as pleading, begging, and throwing a tantrum until she was granted the prestigious solo during the 10-minute performance in the church service.
“Hannah was given the chance to sing the whole second verse while the other kids merely swayed in the background,” the source said. “And who’s her dad? Oh, none other than Pastor Greg, of course. Coincidence? I think not.” The whistleblower further claimed that little Patterson has used her family connections for various other privileges, like lighting one of the Advent candles last Christmas, landing the lead in the church play, and getting larger servings of animal crackers and punch during Sunday school.
“I call upon my fellow church members to expose this family’s blatant nepotism and reject the corruption this is bringing to our entire church body,” the source concluded in his anonymous blog.