WORLD—Multiple reports from across the nation revealed this morning that millions of pieces of silverware have not been stolen. Stunned people woke up and were shocked and overjoyed to find that their houses had not been robbed. Forks were in their drawers, and even more incredibly, their knives and spoons were also safe and secure.

In other news, millions of marriages did not end yesterday. Despite being a pair of imperfect people living in a fallen world, members of marriages across the country and around the world stayed together, preserving family traditions and creating a safe place for their children to grow up in and become productive, happy, and healthy members of society.