Rejected Headlines Part III
· Premium · Jun 7, 2023 ·

All great stories deserve trilogies — The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, and (to a severely lesser degree) The Mighty Ducks all stretched into third installments. With that in mind, it's time once again to have a look at some of the headlines our writers slaved over only to suffer shame and dejection by not having them published.

Here is just a small sample of headline pitches that didn't make the cut last week:

  • Idiot Christian Says Apostle's Creed Phrase During Nicene Creed
  • Humanist Disproves Biblical Pentecost Story By Getting Drunk At 9AM
  • Catholics Flock To See Keith Richards Whose Body Has Miraculously Decayed Despite Still Being Alive
  • Government Agrees To Reduce Spending By Only Borrowing $1 Trillion Per Month Forever
  • Dinner Party In Your 40s Just Three Hours Of Small Talk About Various Medical Ailments
  • Dad Completes Cereal Box Maze In Record Time
  • After Chick-Fil-A Goes Woke, Jeremy Boreing Begins Butchering Thousands Of Chickens In His Backyard
  • Couple Turns 90, Finally Financially Ready To Have Kids
  • City Law Requires Leaf Blowers To Only Operate When Your Baby Is Sleeping
  • Supreme Court Rules 6-3 That Yelling "Shotgun" Does In Fact Entitle Person To Front Passenger Seat
  • Man Sucking In Stomach Since Age 28 Finally Gives Up
  • MLB Announces Any Player Who Doesn't Bow To Pride Flag When The Music Plays Will Be Thrown Into Fiery Furnace
  • Trump Jealous Of DeSantis' Intelligence, Good Looks, Hand Size [This Article Sponsored By DeSantis For President]
  • Elon Musk Offers To Shut Down AOC Parody Account If Anyone Can Figure Out Which One Is The Parody
  • Chris Christie Says He Is A Well-Rounded Candidate With Very Wide Appeal
  • Man With ‘If It Ain't King James, It Ain't Bible' Bumper Sticker Skeptical About Greek, Hebrew Versions
  • Yellowstone Tourists Warned Bison Interactions Should Be Limited To Short Hugs
  • Biden Defeated By 3-Foot Stretch Of Smooth, Level Ground
  • Campaign Denies Allegations DeSantis Is Actually Three Midgets Stacked On Top Of Each Other In A Coat
  • 'He's 80': Biden Campaign Unveils New Slogan For 2024
  • Teen Son Grows Out Of New Shoes On Way Home From Shoe Store
  • 'The Chosen' Unveils Exciting Sodom & Gomorrah Prequel

As you can see, even the cutting room floor is full of laughs. Have any favorites from the list? Let us know in the comments!


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