WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth responded to allegations of sexism on Thursday by vowing that the United States military would never discriminate against chicks, broads, or dames.
Hegseth had fallen under criticism after apparently failing to specifically recognize the females who participated in the air strikes on Iran, leading him to issue a clarifying statement that the armed forces would never engage in prejudice against skirts.
"I'm sorry for the lack of gender inclusive language," Hegseth said, apologizing to Associated Press reporter Tara Copp. "It was not my intention to impugn the contributions of any chicks, broads, or dames. The military is full of sexy birds and I don't want to downplay the hard work of our babes on the ground, toots."
According to Hegseth, the whole thing was just a big misunderstanding. "I congratulated our 'boys in the bombers' because there were boys in those planes, not because I hate dames," he said. "But you're right, I should have acknowledged the vixens providing support over the radio. They're our pilot's greatest cheerleaders."
According to sources, Hegseth's apology did not go over well, with many calling for his resignation. But the defense secretary says the reaction isn't unprecedented. "Chicks can be like that sometimes," he admitted. "But I'll buy them some flowers and everything will be right as rain."
At publishing time, Pete Hegseth found himself in the proverbial doghouse and said he would do whatever would be necessary to smooth things over with all of the saucy little minxes.
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