WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth celebrated dodging impeachment by performing an absolutely sick keg stand.
After a contentious process replete with accusations of drinking on the job, Hegseth unwound from the stressful ordeal by doing an incredible handstand atop a keg of Coors Original while guzzling beer from the tap.
"Woo! Secretary of War, baby!!" shouted Hegseth as he went airborne. "Grab a leg, Justice Kavanaugh. Let's gooooo!"
Chants of "Pete, Pete, Pete!" echoed across the lawn as Hegseth gulped down pint after pint of the Banquet beer, the troubles of the last several weeks quickly melting away. Sources at the kegger report that Hegseth followed up his legendary keg stand by crushing three more Coors out of a bong, then teaming up with J.D. Vance to dominate some locals at beer pong.
At publishing time, Hegseth had begun taking one shot of Jack for each person that had accused him of drinking too much.
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