QUANTICO, VA — While delivering remarks at Marine Corps Base Quantico, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth made the surprise announcement that all women would henceforth be banned from playing any class in a video game other than "healer."
Hegseth, who introduced several military reforms to cut back on DEI and put women back in combat support roles, said he believes the military reflects the culture it defends. To that end, he is now demanding traditional gender roles for women in video games.
"We value women in video games, but they need to go where they're needed most," Hegseth said. "We already have warriors and rogues. We need healers."
According to Hegseth, healers come in many forms. "If you're playing an MMO with a group of friends, the woman should always be the Priest. Unless you're playing Final Fantasy XIV, then the woman must be a White Mage," he said. "And if you're going to play a shooter, always pick the character that most closely aligns with the role of a medic. Nothing else is appropriate."
When questioned about the myriad of video games that don't have a class system, particularly single-player games, Hegseth did not flinch. "I don't care what kind of game it is. Stock up on potions and be a proper woman," he said. "Or, better yet, play Animal Crossing."
Democrats called Hegseth's ban both "unconstitutional" and "oddly specific."
"We're going to challenge this in the courts," Rep. Nancy Pelosi said. "I rolled a tank in EverQuest 27 years ago. I refuse to start over with a Cleric like a total noob."
At publishing time, a federal judged ordered Hegseth to at least let women play as mages.
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