NORFOLK, VA—PETA issued a statement Wednesday blasting King Darius the Mede for not feeding his “malnourished” lions more delicious Hebrews who refused to pray to him and instead stayed faithful to their God.
PETA reps applauded Darius for feeding a believer in the one true God to the beasts, but heavily criticized him for pulling Daniel out of the den once he was miraculously saved from slaughter.
“We were very disappointed to see that Darius repented of casting Daniel into the lions’ enclosure, and only replaced him with a few scraps of Babylonian advisors and their wives and children,” a PETA spokesperson said. “Those lions really needed a steady diet of Hebrews who refused to bow the knee. But the animal-hating, oppressive King Darius denied them their rightful meals.”
At publishing time, PETA had also begun slamming the four horsemen of the apocalypse for riding restrained horses as they bring tribulations upon all humanity.