U.S. — Thanks to the prominently placed Super Bowl ad, thousands of people on their way to Hell breathed a sigh of relief upon learning that Jesus "gets them" and they don't have to repent or anything.
"It's such a relief," said local hellbound sinner Tina Norris. "I had started to feel like maybe my life was on the wrong track and I should think about changing my ways, but I saw those commercials during the Super Bowl last night and thought, ‘You know what? I can be completely at ease while I'm on my way to eternal judgment. He gets me!"
Others expressed similar feelings. "There was a noticeable pull in my heart toward changing my lifestyle," said Trevor Barnes, an LGBTQ+ activist who spends his weekends dressing in drag and pole dancing for kindergartners at a local library. "But now I know that Jesus gets me. I can just keep being the same way and doing the same things. Even when my life is over and I'm facing eternity separated from God, I can rest in the fact that He gets me."
At publishing time, thousands of sinners had announced similar plans to rest in their newfound feelings of relief and not change anything whatsoever.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
