PHILADELPHIA, PA—After many days of secretly counting mail-in ballots, Pennsylvania has finally opted to open the doors of the counting center and bring in highly respected election auditors to count the vote. To set everyone's mind at ease and restore trust in free and fair elections, Pennsylvania has invited world-famous election auditor Hilaaniti Clintraja to audit all the ballots.
"We are so excited to have the honorable Clintraja here with us," said Secretary of State Kathy Boockvar. "Her reputation precedes her due to this very nice resume she sent us. According to this resume, she is the most famous and respected ballot counter in all the world. Wow! That's enough for me!"
According to sources, Clintraja has generously offered to perform an audit for free, asking only for a million-dollar donation to The Clinton Foundation, which is a universally beloved philanthropic organization.
In a statement, Biden thanked Hilaaniti Clintraja for her service to the country. "Let me just say -- I'm really grateful for that old Indian gal in Pennsylvania making sure everything is done by the books. It's a real nice thing she's doing, taking time off from stocking the department store shelves to help with the election. Maybe I'll let her be Secretary of State!"
Election officials claim that Clintraja has promised to start today after she finishes her morning bottle of wine.