JUDEA — In adherence to the teachings of Jesus, Simon, who is called Peter, was committed to forgiving the neighbor who wronged him up to "seventy times seven" times. Unfortunately, after forgiving him 73 times, Peter reportedly lost count and had to start all over.
Sources close to the situation revealed that Steve, son of Matthias, a local ne'er-do-well and Peter's next-door neighbor, borrowed the disciple's lawnmower three months ago and had yet to return it.
"It's almost like Jesus just wants me to forgive him forever, but that can't be right," said Peter. "Steve is the worst. I really need to mow my lawn."
According to insiders, Peter had been keeping a written tally of times he'd forgiven Steve, but lost it when the wind took it from his hands. The small parchment flew out onto the grass where Steve proceeded to run it over with the lawnmower in question.
Peter reportedly cried out with a great voice and tore his robes, saying, "How long, O Lord? How long wilt thou keep my lawnmower from me? Forever? Behold, my grass is unkempt. How long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?"
At publishing time, Steve had apologized for having kept the lawnmower so long, but said he still needed it. "I forgive you," said Peter.
Senator Mitch McConnell isn't doing too many interviews these days, but The Babylon Bee's Travis got the opportunity to sit down with the man, the myth, and the legend himself.
