MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MA — In the wake of the assassination of the UnitedHealth CEO, former President Barack Obama stepped forward to calm tensions by reminding Americans not to be too hasty to find and assassinate everyone responsible for the healthcare crisis.
In an only slightly nervous statement to the nation, a visibly sweating Obama reminded people not to jump into hunting down and killing everyone who might be considered responsible for causing the terrible state of American healthcare.
"Now, now, let's not get carried away here," said Obama, tapping the floor faster and faster as an eyebrow inadvertently twitched. "Surely the answer here isn't more violence. After all, we can't just go around slaughtering all of the people responsible for our messed-up healthcare system now, can we? All I'm saying is, let's not be overly rushed about this."
Sources report that Obama then walked somewhat quickly back to his armored security detail, casting quick glances to his left and right as he went.
At publishing time, Fauci had also gone on record to remind Americans that there's no need to go find and kill all of the people who may have adversely affected public healthcare in the US.
Here's what RFK Jr. will do to get everyone back in shape!