'Not On My Watch': DeSantis Signs Executive Order That Green M&M Must Still Be Sexy In Florida

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In response to a progressive redesign of M&M characters, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis signed an Executive Order Friday to require the green M&M character to still be sexy in all advertising used in the state of Florida.

The character, simply called "Green", previously had her go-go boots replaced by comfortable sneakers in a bid by the candy company to legitimize working-class candy women. Now the green M&M is super ugly, say "sexperts."

"But not so fast," said Governor DeSantis. "Not on my watch!" he shouted in a fiery press conference held at the governor's mansion.

"As long as M&M wants to sell product in Florida they have to keep Green drop-dead gorgeous," he said. "I'm tired of woke progressives making everything political so I'm going to draw further attention to this and make it even more political!"

"I believe in the American right to lust after oddly sexual cartoon characters!" he added.

Government officials applauded as the governor signed the executive order. DeSantis then hammed it up for the camera and shot out a few more zingers aimed at progressives.

"This is a slippery slope. They start with cartoon characters, but then start telling you how to dress. It's already raising Pelosi's eyebrows," he said with a sly wink while shooting finger guns at the press. "Zing!"

According to sources, the executive order is only the first step in a five-step anti-progressive agenda. Next year, M&Ms will be forced to make the green M&M "even sexier" if they want to continue selling their candy in the state of Florida.


In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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