RALEIGH, NC — As disaster response efforts ramped up following the devastation of Hurricane Helene, North Carolina announced it had agreed to purchase several Hunter Biden paintings in return for U.S. aid.
While President Biden had already approved North Carolina's request to have the crisis declared a "major disaster" and authorized federal assistance, the state's leaders reportedly believed they would receive far more federal funding if they agreed to buy some of Hunter's paintings.
"We know how things work with this administration," said North Carolina Governor Roy Cooper. "While we're certainly grateful for the president's willingness to provide us with the assistance we desperately need after the storm, we know it's better once you grease a few palms and buy some Hunter Biden art. That's where the real money is."
Following in the footsteps of Ukraine and other foreign governments, North Carolina expressed hope that shelling out exorbitant amounts of money for Hunter's paintings would score a few points with "The Big Guy" and secure several hundred billion in federal aid.
"North Carolina will now get whatever they need," said an administration insider. "We were going to be nice and toss them a few million in federal money to help with the disaster cleanup, but once we heard they were buying some of Hunter's artwork, we knew what that meant. They want the big bucks. President Biden was happy to hear North Carolina was willing to play ball."
At publishing time, North Carolina leaders were also reportedly willing to appoint Hunter Biden to the boards of several powerful corporations in exchange for additional aid.
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