Home > Politics > Nike Releases Bernie Sanders Signature Shoe That Helps You Survive Under S...
Politics U.S.
Nike Releases Bernie Sanders Signature Shoe That Helps You Survive Under Socialism

BEAVERTON, OR—Nike has released a new patriotic shoe just in time for the Fourth of July: the Sanders Air Marx, the official, signature shoe of Senator Bernie Sanders.

Every pair of Air Marx is emblazoned with Sanders' signature and iconic "crazy old man" silhouette. The shoes pack in all kinds of useful features for people living in a socialist regime, including the following:

  • New ActiveShrink technology helps the shoe shrink right along with you as you wither away from starvation
  • Breadline Padding Plus helps you stand in breadlines for hours hoping the government is generous enough to give you some food
  • A Venezuelan flag, or optional Soviet Russian flag, to show your true patriotism
  • A patented air pump that helps you pump up your wheelbarrow tire as you slave away farming food for the government to redistribute
  • Comfy and aerodynamic design that helps you chase zoo animals more effectively
  • The shoes are completely edible and can be boiled into soup or gruel in a pinch

The shoes are not available for purchase but will be given from Nike according to their ability to each customer according to their needs.

"I'm happy to team up with Nike to release this shoe," said Sanders. "I will make millions of dollars off this deal, which is not hypocritical because it's me and not you."

The Sanders Air Marx is only available in one size, as Sanders remarked: "who needs a choice of shoe size when there are starving children in the world?"

Readers of the Bee,

If just a small fraction of our visitors became subscribers, we'd have enough funding to stop running ads and reduce our dependence on big tech companies like Facebook and Google. Will you partner with us to make this possible?