ALPHARETTA, GA — As Americans nationwide eagerly await tonight's debate between two men who will not be president after the 2024 election, Fox News announced the Gavin Newsom-Ron DeSantis debate moderated by Sean Hannity will be sponsored by U-Haul.

"It's a perfect partnership," said marketing executive Phil Snedden. "If there's any company or product that stands to gain the most from a debate between the governors of California and Florida, it's U-Haul. From our conversations with the sponsor, they're expecting a record number of calls from potential customers in California once they hear what life is like in Florida."

The much-anticipated debate, which has been in the works for months, is expected to serve as the most persuasive argument yet to convince lovers of American freedom to flee the oppressive totalitarian regime in the communist territory once known as California. "This should make it as clear of a decision as there could ever be," said political analyst Ryan Kitchen. "If having Newsom and DeSantis on stage together at the same time laying out their respective visions for what life should look like in America doesn't convince people to get out of California while they can, nothing will."

A spokesman for U-Haul admitted the moving truck vendor was expecting a big return on its investment. "We love sponsoring anything Gavin Newsom does," said Paul Greene, U-Haul's Director of Business Development. "Every time that guy opens his mouth, we do huge business in California. C'mon, Governor Newsom, do your thing, buddy!"

At publishing time, U-Haul refused to comment on rumors that it offered to pay extra if Sean Hannity would agree to move to Siberia.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.