SAN FRANCISCO — Newlyweds Drew and Jessica Perry have begun searching in earnest across San Francisco for a nice, one-bedroom starter tent to begin married life together.
"Look, babe! This one has a zipper," said Mr. Perry. "Ah, but that blue one on the corner with the tarp ceiling has great curb appeal. It's so hard to choose!"
Although Mrs. Perry admitted she had dreams of securing a one-bedroom crackhouse with a half-bath, she quickly realized such luxury was out of reach with Mr. Perry's meager $400,000 annual salary. "I've had to change my perspective a bit, but I just keep reminding myself it's only a starter tent," said Mrs. Perry. "I'm still holding out hope there will be a toilet within a five-minute walk. Oh, hey honey! Look at this lean-to made entirely out of needles!"
According to realtor Deborah Massie, the Perry couple almost pulled the trigger on a spacious, thirty-square-foot tent downtown before discovering that a hobo named Marvin liked to hang out in the tent while coming down off of ketamine. "We were doing our final inspection when we found Marvin in the tent, apparently hallucinating that he was an alligator," said Mr. Perry. "It was a tough call, but we decided to pass."
At publishing time, the Perry couple had begun considering the alternative of buying a giant mansion in Arkansas.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.