NEW YORK, NY — As a mugger repeatedly stabbed him on a Manhattan street corner, local resident Ethan Wallace took comfort in the knowledge that Mayor Zohran Mamdani remained laser-focused on bringing Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to justice.
Wallace, who fell down next to the corpse of a homeless man while he waited for the ambulance to arrive, hoped that Mamdani's work figuring out how to arrest Netanyahu would somehow pay off.
"I'm just thankful Mamdani is taking on the real threat to New Yorkers," said Wallace, attempting to keep pressure on a wound in his abdomen. "He's not distracted by all the violence and chaos around him. It's amazing how he can tune it all out and stay zeroed in on the real problem: tiny hat guy. Gosh, I got stabbed a lot today."
As reports of rising violence reached City Hall, Mamdani assured residents that he would not be sidetracked from his quest to arrest a foreign prime minister. "We have no time to worry about stabbings. There's a Jew on the loose," said Mamdani. "He's a very scary one, probably a war criminal. You should see the TikToks my wife sends me about this guy. They're disturbing. Much worse stuff than someone slashing you on the subway, I'll tell you that."
At publishing time, Wallace had been informed that no one was available to prosecute his attacker, as all lawyers had been reassigned to checking if it was legal to arrest Netanyahu.
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