INDIANAPOLIS, IN — In the wake of controversy over teams being snubbed and left out of the postseason championship tournament, the NCAA reluctantly confirmed that the College Football Playoff selections were made by an alcoholic penguin.
While still considered a vast improvement over previous processes used to calculate rankings, bowl appearances, and championship opportunities, the alcoholic penguin selection process faced immediate criticism from media pundits and fans. The NCAA assured everyone that this was the fairest way to get it done.
"We know it seems weird, but it works," said NCAA President Charlie Baker. "We understand that some fans may feel that this is no way to determine which teams are selected to play in the championship tournament, but our alcoholic penguin, Sven, hasn't led us astray yet. We have full confidence in Sven to make sure the right teams are included."
The snubbing of Notre Dame drew widespread outrage, but NCAA officials directed all questions about the controversy to Sven, the alcoholic penguin. "We don't make the rules," Baker said. "This was the process agreed upon by all NCAA teams. Sven has his faults, but he knows what he's doing. We bring him out in front of large mats with the team logos on them. Whichever team logos he passes out on, they get into the tournament. Even when he's clearly intoxicated, which is all the time. We're working on making changes to the selection process, but for the time being, this is how it's done."
At publishing time, sources revealed that the NCAA was responding to the controversy by developing a new method of selecting teams for the playoffs that would replace Sven the alcoholic penguin with Marcus, a lobotomized alpaca.
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