U.S. — Americans are begging the now-famous security guard who stood up to screeching Democrats to please always follow Congress around to keep them from going anywhere or doing anything ever.
After witnessing the unnamed bald man with glasses and a neon Band-Aid single-handedly stopping Congress in its tracks, America has pinned its hopes on the anonymous hero shutting down Congress for good.
"If that guy could always stand in front of doorways so Congress can't go anywhere or do anything, that would be incredible," said local man Mark Sanders. "The country would be so much better off. Plus, it is just so entertaining. I could listen to Congress people shriek 'I'm not a thief!' all day. Way better than Netflix."
According to sources, several Americans have already taken it upon themselves to fashion likenesses of the security guard to station at strategic points. "It's not much, but making a little scarecrow replica of that security guy to put outside the Capitol -- it's the least I can do," said local woman Sarah Branch. "I tried to make his face look appropriately unimpressed and annoyed. I even added a little Band-Aid on his neck for good measure. Hopefully it at least scares Congress away for a few days."
At publishing time, the security guy had reportedly declined, stating that the five minutes he already spent with Congress was more than enough for one lifetime.
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